An open letter to the members of U2, on the occasion of the release of their new studio album, No Line on the Horizon.
Well done. Really.
Bono — am I right to say that you may have had a chat with God before writing Moment of Surrender? And by “chat with God” I mean: “torturous sex that makes you feel as if you’ve just seen the Almighty?” Perhaps, though, it was a chat with God that lead to the torturous sex. Either way, I’m glad that it makes me feel like you’re getting laid and seeing God, again. Also — Breathe? “I wasn’t gonna buy just anyone’s cockatoo”! I’m a fan of a song that makes mention of such a silly sounding word, and bird, make sense somehow. I’ll be sending you a much longer private letter, love. It may get sexy, so watch yourself.
Edge — the opening to Magnificent? HEL-LO! …nice to see you rocking out, sir. Not that you usually don’t, but that track is yours, my friend. Trademark Edge has not left the building, however, and thank goodness for that — I’d be inconsolable if he had. You still pull my heart strings in a way no one else can, Mr. Evans. I will feel you pull them live, this time around. It will happen.
Adam — way to continue to be boss on the bass, Clayton. Get on Your Boots? Wicked-fun bass line. If you could see me right now, I would be giving you the “Sara Look”, to which I would expect a reply of an “Adam Smile”. Rest assured that the “Sara Look” — while it is less known than the “Adam Smile” — it is just as charming and sly. Keep calm and carry on, like you do.
Larry — the percussion on No Line on the Horizon may be my favourite from you, ever. Just sayin’. Also — smile for me in concert, would you? You always look like you’re in such pain, and you’re too handsome to be in such pain; it makes me want to mother you, and my inner nymphette has issues with that. To conclude — beat those drums like they owe you money; lots and lots of dirty, excellent money.
Again: superb job, gents. I love you all. Try not to kill Bono during the publicity, this year. You do need him, remember.
Enormous amounts of love and respect and all things truly beautiful to you.