the “I hate that I have to feel tortured to write” post

Yes, you heard right, kids — I am sitting in the office in my parents’ house contemplating the reasons why I write more when I am home as opposed to when I am in a city with so much more fodder for interesting stories and poems and songs. I curse my lack of focus when I’m in the city while, at the same time, cursing the fact that I still feel unable to move home due to the hum-drum existence I feel I would live, here.

Curses, I say! Bloody Hell, and all that jazz!

Well, with that little bit of annoyance out of the way, now I can get to what I came here to do, today: write a monster-sized blog entry! Writing monster-sized blog entries isn’t something I’ve been very good at, lately (and here I am at home, my words dying to get out — go figure).

One thing I have been particularly good at lately, however, is walking. I’ve been walking and walking and walking some more. Due to some rather poignant and large life changes, some frustrations, some anger, some sadness and goodbyes, I have been in need of release, and time to think. While walking, I listen to my iPod on shuffle, and I’ve found myself listening to some songs in particular, over and over again. I’ve put together a playlist that I call “Songs for a Life in Transition”; the list is made of songs that I always keep close to me, songs that have particularly apt lyrics, and songs that have been making me cry or smile.

Some of these are love songs to people in my life, and some are love songs to life. Either way, there’s lots of love.

First thing’s first: Lost + by Coldplay and Jay-Z. The song? Genius. The video? Even cooler. And I totally confess to really loving Jay-Z’s part in this — it’s wicked. Sometimes, I love a little bit of rap. I really do! Anyway, I think the lyrics speak for themselves on this one: “just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost”.

Secondly, Control by Poe: (Ignore the video that’s associated with this one — just listen.) “Don’t you mess with a little girl’s dreams, ’cause she’s liable to grow up mean.” There’s a lot of anger in this one, but it’s really extraordinary. Favourite lyric: “Not every saint is a fool.”

Next, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2. This video is definitely worth a watch, since it’s from the Rattle and Hum DVD, is shot in black and white, and includes a gospel choir. I love U2, everyone knows that, but this song is one of their best, and one of the most applicable to anyone who feels as though they really haven’t quite made it, yet. Enough said.

Travis’s Love Will Come Through has been a favourite of mine ever since the first time I heard it. It reminds me to be patient, and to not depend on the world (or other people) to define who or what I love.

Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds doing Stay or Leave is not only the best version of the song, but it makes me want to cry and smile at the same time for a myriad of reasons. I first heard the song a few years ago when I was with my first serious boyfriend, and it stayed with me until I heard this version, at which point it completely blew me away. It now stands as one of the only songs in my life that I can say has an equal amount of heartache and joy attached to it.

I love Dave Matthews because he writes such sexy things, but Kings of Leon’s Sex on Fire has been popping up on my “songs to listen to when I’m all hot and bothered” list a lot, the last little while. Only By The Night is one of those records that I fell in love with completely unexpectedly, and I relate a lot of the songs on it to things that have happened to me in the last year.

Also note: I absolutely think everyone should be having more sex that’s on fire.

Kate Rusby and the 1st Battalion of Scots Guards doing Fare Thee Well is such a great mix of so many things that I love (folk songs, ethereally beautiful women, men wearing kilts and playing bagpipes, you know) that I feel I would be remiss not to include it on this list. Aside from that, however, it is also a beautiful song about saying goodbye. I’ve been doing a lot of that, lately, and listening to this song makes it a little easier to bear, somehow.

On that note, Dire Straights’ Why Worry makes everything easier to bear.

Lastly, I want to add a Madonna song to the list. When The Power of Goodbye began to play on my iPod the other night while I was lying in bed, I nearly cried: “There’s no greater power than the power of goodbye”, she sings. Listening to this song makes me feel sad, repentant, and as though I took a little too much for granted over the past little while; I find this song to be achingly beautiful sometimes, and this is one of those times.

So, there you have it. There are many more songs I could put in the mix, but I think these are the pillars of the lot; the fabric in the tapestry of music that is the soundtrack to my life… Oh good Lord — the amount of cheese in that statement could make several large pizzas very cheesy. And yes, I would like some Coke with that, thank you.

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