Time spent at home in the heart

The past 5 days have been some of the greatest days of 2010 (so far) for me. I’m on holiday, I’m house-sitting a beautiful house, the weather has been really nice, and I’ve had the time to laze about and to do the things that I usually don’t get the time to do when I’m working. I’ve been walking a lot and generally spending a lot of time restoring myself and my faith in just about everything. It’s a wonderful feeling.

One of the things that I’ve come to know about myself over the last little while is that I really, truly hate being busy. I’m not a person who wants to be too busy, moving too fast, or trying too hard to keep up with the Joneses. It’s too bloody exhausting, and I like to have the time to soak in the world around me and appreciate it. I don’t have much of anything to prove to the world, either, which means I don’t have the patience to be rushing around doing things that aren’t of much consequence to me just to make a point of some sort. Some people would say that makes me lazy, but I’m really not going to worry if I’m not wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, or if I don’t have X,Y, and Z complete before I’m a certain age. It may seem cliche, but you really do only live once, and I’d like to spend that life how it suits me to spend it — not proving to the world that I’m somebody I already know I am.

When my father reads this, he’ll probably grumble that I still need to get off my arse and do something with my life. While that may be true, Dad, I’m on my way, and I’ve got faith in the process. *insert cheeky look and raised eyebrow, here*

Here’s where I want to pause and say thank you to my friends and family for being nothing short of spectacular to me — particularly recently. I’ve had a few different conversations with some very important members of my inner circle over the last few days, and it’s become overwhelmingly obvious to me that I really couldn’t have it any better when it comes to those close to me. Previous experiences have taught me that quality friends are not easy to come by, and I have so many, now. Not only that, but I am also blessed to have fabulous family members who are also close friends — something which may be even harder to come by. You know you’ve got it pretty good when your biggest issue with your friends is that they get all squirmy and blush when you express your fervent love for them; guys — get over it! I love you all and I’m gonna tell you, regularly. I’m not going to make some backward joke about it so you can figure I like you. You’re more likely to get a mammoth hug and a heartfelt “I love you”, and that’s the way it’s gonna be.

Speaking of love and friends: something I’ve known for a long time (and that has also been reaffirmed in the past few days) is that I am more likely to respond to people who are passionate, and who are not afraid to feel things (I can see that the underlying point of this blog entry has quickly become ‘feeling things is how Sara rolls’). I’ll give an honest shout-out to one Emily Kenny for being the most vivid example of this sort of connection I think I’ve ever found in a friend. I think I become wary of people who can’t be honest with me and with themselves when we reach a certain level of friendship. I know there are people out there who would say that’s a lot to ask, but friendship is a two-way street, and I’m going to share my emotions with you — I need you to share back if we’re going to be close. That might seem like too obvious a point to make, but you might be surprised the number of people I’ve encountered who are just not willing to relate on an emotional level.

On a related note: I loathe pretense. I just don’t see the point of it at all. Chances are, people are going to see through it, so why even bother to go through the effort of creating some foolish facade? I think that, generally, people really don’t respond to disingenuous action or expression, and so it boggles the mind that one might expect to get anywhere in the world by putting on some show and parading around like someone else. Not only that, but pretending to be something you’re not actually makes you feel skuzzy and like you want to resent yourself after a while. I’ve experienced this, and I know others who have as well; you end up looking at yourself in the mirror, going: “what the Hell am I doing?” and — even more devastating is — “who the fuck am I, anyway?”

Everyone knows the “it’s better to be hated for who you are” bit, and ya know what? It’s true. One cannot have a satisfying life, or satisfying relationships, if there is a dishonesty inherent from the outset. I can hear voices in my head of people I’ve known who would say that the reason for pretense or guardedness between people is prior hurt and the intent to avoid it. I can understand that, and I appreciate it immensely — no one wants to be hurt. That said, it is hurt and the ability to experience and overcome it that makes people who they are. Hurt will find you, and you’re destined to have to deal with it, no matter who you are and what you do. I have, in the past, been criticized and called to task on how deeply I feel things, and how I get into situations where I will potentially “get hurt too badly”. While I love and appreciate the concern of those people who are simply trying to look out for my heart, I have grown tired of people who see hurt as something to be avoided. I will plunge head-first into a situation despite its potential for hurt, and I’m likely going to do so no matter how much those around me caution against it. I’m not interested in becoming a bland person, and that’s what avoiding experience and hurt will do to you. I believe people are responsible for their own hearts and, as such, they should learn how to weather hurt as well as they can, and accept their own responsibility in it; when someone hurts you, it’s not only their fault.

Well, this has been a doozy of a blog entry. I didn’t even intend to write it, but here we are, are we not? Introspective Sara strikes again! This is what happens when I have too much thinking time on my hands. Hey — I’m glad for it! I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t do things like this from time to time.

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